At You: Zen and the Art of Sneezing

The Sneeze.

It is such a simple thing, so basic, and yet so enigmatic. Sounding as innocently absurd as the name of a Dr. Seuss creature, the word nevertheless conjures up all kinds of dreadful images of blustery embarrassment and flying bodily fluids. The term "olfactory orgasm" probably wouldn't have quite the same nuance.

This topic came to mind mainly because there is so much of it happening all around me these days. I've noticed that Japanese tend to sneeze in volleys. Indeed, the fact that I usually fire off one loud power sneeze instead of a barrage of shorts is yet another thing that sets me apart from the locals. Believe me, I've been doing my share.

The traditional English sound effect for a sneeze is "Achoo," or perhaps "Kerchoo!" The Japanese word is "Hakushon!" Frankly, I don't think either term is accurate. I rarely hear sneezes that sound anything like them. Most of the time it's only either a "Choo," or an "Atch!" There are also some pretty bizarre noises issuing from the nasal passages of some individuals:

• I've always been both intrigued and irritated by people whose sneeze is a little, voiceless squeak, especially if it tends to follow a loud, passionate build-up. "Ah...AH...AHHH...AHHHHHH...chirp*" (Talk about anticlimactic!)
• However, I prefer that to the person I knew in my university days whose sneeze was a high-pitched shriek. That was just plain disturbing (not to mention loud, nerve-grating, etc...).
  
• When I first met my wife, she had a cute sort of, "Wash! Wash! " After we got married, however, it suddenly turned into a loud, sustained, "PFFFFFFFFFFT!" Now it's something like, "CHA-HA!" uttered at piercing volume. Never a dull moment!
  
• Maybe interesting sneezes are an educator's thing. My father, who was also a teacher, has always had a sneeze that sounds like, "WOLvedasha," or something of the sort.
• Then there was the respected teacher I used to work with at Kashima High School whose sneeze was, "Ba-SHEG! Ba-SHEG! "
• Even that doesn't compare with my 6th grade reading teacher, whose standard sneeze routine was an entertaining, "Hup! Hup! Hup! Chiiiing! " (the last part of which had a nice vibrato).
• Then of course we can't forget those comedic sorts who are fond of turning their sneezes into expletives. "Ah, S**T," is the obvious favorite (and rather satisfying, when you think about it). The Japanese, "Chiku-sho," (perhaps best translated as, "Damn it") also works well. However, I just can't get a handle on one ex-pat friend's habit of saying, "Ah, WHORE," when he sneezes. It just doesn't have the right level of explosiveness.

Whatever. As with certain other bodily functions, sneezing tends to feel pleasant and satisfying, yet we try very hard not to do it. Speaking of which, where did I put the Contac...?